Remember My Love
by SandraD
Summary: Xander's time should have been up long ago.


Title: Remember My Love

Author: Sandra D.

Fandom: BtVS

Spoilers: Back on the bus and a few miles away after Chosen

Rating: PG13 and a hearty 'fuck you' to the MPAA

Pairing: none

Summary: Xander's time should have been up long ago.

Warnings: Angst, character death

Feedback: I cried writing. Did you cry reading it?

AN: I have spent way too much time at Delightfully Dead recently. This is unbeta'd simply because I want to post it now. Will send it to Erica at a later date.

The exhausted chatter filling the bus slowly stopped as each passenger caught the sound of laughter. It wasn't a happy sound and it wasn't bitter or grief filled. No, this laughter was the frightening echoes of shredded sanity. Willow and Buffy walked cautiously toward the seat holding their closest friend. Dawn tapped Giles on the shoulder and signaled that he should pull over and join the increasingly confused group in the back.

Xander seemed to ignore everyone's presence as he spoke to the empty seat next to him. There was no need to strain to hear his words once his laughter ended; they could clearly hear what seemed to be half of a conversation.

"Now! After everything that's happened, you come to get me now?"

"'Cause I'm the one that sees, asshole! Don't you pay attention? Why do you think the First never visited me while he tormented all my friends? I would have known it for what it was. . . just like you!"

"Of course I've seen you before. Every time we failed, I saw you. At Buffy's house when Warren went trigger-happy, you were there! At the tower that Glory built. You had a fucking front row seat to Graduation," Xander paused briefly and smiled. "And I saw you that night in the Master's underground church right before I grabbed Buffy out of your goddamn arms!"

There was a longer pause here as Xander seemed to stop to listen. Those closest to him, in life and at the moment, had frozen when they heard him speak. Dawn was the first to cry. She'd told Xander he was the one that sees. Whatever he was seeing now he'd witnessed many times before; times in which people had died.

It only took Willow, Buffy and Giles another minute to figure out what was happening. Immediately they began trying to get Xander's attention away from the invisible being next to him. Maybe, just maybe they could thwart death one more time.

"Xander, NO!" Willow shouted as she tugged on his arm. "Stay here! Don't listen to him!" She sobbed aloud when he failed to respond to her.

On the outskirts of the tight circle, Faith and Andrew watched on in continued bewilderment.

"What I really want to know," Xander carried on, "is why now? Why not any of the other times I've been so close? Jesse could have bitten me and I wouldn't have stopped him. Instead he fucking fell on my stake! Drusilla could have turned me on Valentine's Day. Angelus could have snapped my neck in the hospital but he walked away. Spike hit me in the head with a microscope in the Science Lab, for crying out loud!

"How many other times could you have taken me! But no! I had to live and suffer through the deaths of my friends. I had to watch the people I consider my family in their own anguish as their loved ones were slaughtered!"

Xander laughed as he wagged his finger at the seemingly empty air. "No, no, no. . . my time should have been up a LONG time ago and we both know it, don't we? You're late!"

"I knew it! Every time I should have died, you weren't there. For all the times I saw you, never once did you glance my way. What seemed like incredibly fortunate luck to me and everyone else was just fate trying to correct what you continued to fuck up!"

"Face it, you owe me big."

Another long break in the one-sided conversation and Buffy broke out of her stupor enough to shove the Slayer Scythe into the empty seat in an attempt to stop what was happening. She shrugged off her Watcher's hand when he tried to get her attention and tell her she was having no affect.

As for Giles, he let go of the struggling girl and knelt down in the isle and spoke quietly to the young man. Though it was obvious that Xander was not hearing them, he still felt the need to draw him away from the icy hand of the Reaper.

"Nuh uh," Xander refused. "Not one. I want. . . five."

A harsh bark of laughter and then, "Too much! You're fucking kidding me, right? I think I could ask for a HELL of a lot more. Consider yourself very lucky I'm not cashing in for every single time you failed to collect me."

"Heh. . . thought you'd see it my way." A small break before, "Give me a few minutes, okay? It's not like I'm gonna run, right? Just let me. . .yeah."

At that, Xander actually saw that the seat next to him had been shredded to ribbons and that his family were all speaking to him; some yelling, some eerily calm, all crying.

Then, for the first time since he'd begun talking, he addressed those that everyone could see.

"Willow, Buffy, Giles, Faith, Dawn and Andrew. . . can we get off the bus for a minute? I need to say some stuff and I really need some fresh air."

The others all nodded silently and started toward the door while never taking their eyes off their very heart and soul. Once he was standing, it was clear that Xander needed assistance as he stumbled and gasped in pain. Giles was there in a heartbeat to guide his boy off the bus. Close to the end of the isle, when the others had disembarked, Xander turned when he saw Kennedy rise to follow Willow.

"Sit down," he said with a strength that belied his condition. "I didn't invite you. You know, Kennedy, I don't like you but I almost feel sorry for you."

Maintaining the superiority she truly felt was her due, she looked down her nose at the one-eyed man. "Me? You obviously got too hurt playing with the real warriors and you feel sorry for me? That's a laugh."

Reeling from the strike that came from Giles, she barely heard Xander's parting words for her.

"Yeah, you're about to find out that all you are is a cheap substitute. And, trust me on this, that is going to sting." He grinned and nodded to the girl and allowed Giles to move him off the bus.

By the time Xander and Giles had descended the three steps, Dawn and Andrew had pulled an airbed from the storage bin under the bus and inflated it. As Xander's steps faltered, the grouped rushed forward as one and helped ease him onto the mattress. Again, as if in a preplanned move, six dropped to their knees around him.

"Xander, how. . .,"Willow tried to ask the question to which they all wanted the answer. She couldn't.

"Bleeding, Wills," Xander took the hand of his oldest friend. "Not a scratch or bruise to be seen but apparently I'm a mess on the inside."

"If we hurry we could-"

"No, Buff. We couldn't. This is one of those fights we can't win, ya know?"

"What did you see?" Dawn already knew the answer but didn't want to believe until he said it himself.

"I saw Death. The bastard's finally come to collect my soul."

Twin gasps came from Faith and Andrew and pained sobs from Willow and Buffy. Dawn cried silently and Giles cursed every deity he knew for taking their heart from them at such a time.

"Can you guys help me up? I really don't want to do this laying down." He grunted in pain as Buffy and Giles lifted him to his feet. "You know, I never thought I'd get the chance to do this. Always figured I'd go out in battle and not get to say goodbye. Maybe I am just really lucky."

Gathering his strength, Xander pulled away from those supporting him and stepped up to Andrew. As he moved he asked everyone to stand in a line, each in a specific order.

When he got to Andrew he pulled him into a hug and whispered in his ear, "You are the best annoying little brother I could have ever had. I just wish I'd known you long before. You are a good man, Andrew. Take care of my girls for me, okay? I have a gift for you before I go. It'll be behind you when I take my last breath."

He pulled away from the boy and saw him nod. In a move that even he found odd, Xander reached up and transferred a tear from Andrew's face to his own and then bestowed a brotherly kiss upon his forehead.

Xander moved down to Faith next. The normally tough Slayer fought to keep her tears at bay. He moved in close and whispered loud enough for only her to hear, as he had done before.

"You are forgiven. All that has come before has passed. Let it go, Faith. You are a strong and beautiful Queen and you will lead them well. I have a gift for you before I go. It'll be behind you when I take my last breath."

As he had repeated his words of a gift, he also copied his actions and collected the single tear that Faith could not control. A soft kiss to her cheek and he moved on.

Next he came to Dawn and Buffy. First to Dawn, "You are my sister as much as you are Buffy's; maybe not in blood, but always in spirit. I love you, Dawnie. I want you to be good and study hard, okay? You'll be amazed at what is in store for you."

Then to Buffy, "You are still my hero, Buff. It's finally time to rest. I remember how badly you craved that normal life when we were kids. You'll have a hard time letting all this go but it's your time now. The freedom you sought will be yours now. Enjoy it."

At that, he pulled the sisters both close enough to hear his whispered pledge; "I have a gift for you both before I go. It'll be behind you when I take my last breath."

He took their tears and moved away.

Nearing the end of his strength, Xander forced himself to stand tall as he brushed the hair off Willow's face. He smiled at the widow's peak he could see and searched those green, green eyes and saw the little girl he'd met in the sandbox so long ago.

"There's my Willow." Then he pulled her close to continue his goodbyes. "We have been everything to each other through the years, haven't we? Best friends, siblings, lovers, saviors and soul mates. I have never loved another the way that I have loved you. And I know you could say the same to me. I am so proud of everything you have done and the woman you have become. You and Buffy and Giles have called me the heart. . .but you're my heart, Wills. I love you and I will always be with you. None of you will ever be without your heart. I swear it. I have a gift for you before I go. It'll be behind you when I take my last breath." He pulled back and placed a sweet kiss on her lips, then. . .

Another tear and he moved on.

And then there was Giles. Xander knew how he felt about this man and could now say that he knew the sentiment was returned in full. He wrapped his arms around the man's middle and spoke loud enough for all to hear.

"Dad."

He felt Giles' arms encircle him and he leaned up to whisper in his ear.

"It'll be alright, you'll see. I want to thank you for being the father that my own would not. I don't know if you'll ever have a son of your blood but never doubt that you have one of the heart. I love you, Dad. I have a gift for you before I go. It'll be behind you when I take my last breath."

This time, when he pulled away, he was given a kiss to his forehead.

But he still reached out and took the tear and added to the others on his cheek. He'd not shed his own tears. There was no need. He had the tears of those who loved him to carry with him into death.

His strength vanished when he tried to step away from Giles. Strong arms were around him again as he was led back to his cot. He sat down and leaned against the bus but refused to go further. He had resolved long ago not to die on his back if he had a choice. He felt truly lucky that he had that choice.

Xander looked to the faces of the six stilled lined up but again kneeling next to him. Clutching at the growing ache in his chest, he coughed roughly and wiped away the blood from his mouth. He looked at them all once more and said, "Don't forget my love. Just promise me that. When you turn and see, swear it in your very hearts that you will always remember my love for you."

He saw them nod and granted them one final bright smile before he looked to the space behind them and took his last breath.

Epilogue

Rupert reached forward and closed his son's eye.

They all remained kneeling on the hard desert floor and watched their own tears dry on Xander's face. As if seeing that told them what to do, their own tears dried as well. They all knew there would be more; more than could ever be counted just for this man alone. But now was not the time. Now all they could feel was the love Xander felt for each of them and that was more than enough.

By unspoken agreement, they decided to turn around one at a time and in the order in which Xander had said goodbye.

A moment later and a gasp was heard from Andrew and the others turned their heads and saw him in the embrace of Jonathon Levinson.

Next came a woman none but Faith recognized. The once rogue Slayer hugged her first Watcher to her and smiled.

Holding hands, Buffy and Dawn turned to see Joyce Summers striding toward them. They leapt into their mother's embrace and shed tears of pure joy.

It was Willow's turn. She'd seen the others and she just knew. Before she could even move, the arms of Tara Maclay reached around her and held on tight.

Giles hadn't moved. He'd heard the reunions. Some voices he'd recognized and others he hadn't. He wanted to turn around but found himself rooted to the spot still staring at Xander's body lying there in the scorching sun.

He felt movement next to him and suddenly there was a soft hand in his. Jenny Calender rested her head on his shoulder and they both made the same vow those behind them were making.

"We'll never forget, Xander. Never."

And in the Heavens, Alexander Harris smiled.

The End


End file.
